Anime Matsuri Saturday Tea Party Sad Face

So you know that feeling when you wake up at 6:30 in the morning because you have a dream that makes you wake up angry and you figure the only way to calm yourself down is to complain on the internet?

Yeah.

Honestly, I’m surprised I’m still this upset. The convention was days ago and I’ve had plenty of time to cool off- but man, I guess my subconscious decided if I didn’t at least put my feelings in writing I wasn’t going to get any sleep. Okay brain, you win.

For those of you not in to the whole lolita fashion thing, that’s cool and this entry will probably bore the hell out of you. My apologies. But as way of explanation for the uninitiated- the word ‘ita’ is a crude slang word people on the internet like to throw around to describe the unfortunately put together outfits of other girls (and guys, I guess). This includes things like cheap, costumey looking fabric, dresses with tons of cheap looking lace, people that look like they’re heading to rave, rather than a lolita meet etc. I have only ever seen the term used to describe people fail to meet a basic standard of the egl aesthetic, usually due to inexperience. 

But now I think you can be dressed in burando from head to toe and still be an ‘ita’. (If we’re going to go ahead and use that word.) If the word ‘ita’ isn’t just the last three letters of ‘lolita’ and actually refers to ‘itai’ (Japanese for ‘it hurts’)because one’s outfit is so awful it hurts to look at it- then I think the term should also apply when you witness a lolita’s actions and feel the same way. Your behavior can be ‘ita’. 

And BOY did I see some ‘ita’ behavior - very unbecoming to lolitas at my most recent convention. Worst of all, it was by the group that had been hosting panels, people who should be going out of their way to be friendly and helpful to new and old members of the community, regardless of experience or outfit. Sadly, that’s not what I witnessed, and I wished I had been brave enough to do something about it at the time.

I willingly rolled my eyes at the misinformation and contradictory comments during the panels. Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s very easy to get flustered and say something that doesn’t quite come out the way you mean for it to. (When you said “Only Asians should wear Wa/Qi loli, everyone else - don’t even try”, I think you meant to say “It can be difficult to pull off a Wa/Qi loli coordinate without it looking like cosplay, so you need to be careful about the print you choose and how you build an outfit around it.”) I can easily forgive that.

What I can’t forgive is bullying, and that is what I was unfortunate enough to witness at Saturday’s tea party.

There was a dress code. There is no argument about that. Participants were required to wear lolita or formal wear. That’s fine. However beyond that- there were no stipulations, and I feel that as long as someone was making an effort, you can not fault them because they fell short of your personal standard.

I watched a group of ladies huddle, whispering among themselves and I felt my stomach lurch because I knew what was about to happen. Sure enough, one of your group broke off and approached two young girls wearing some punky skull print dresses. Now, these dresses weren’t top quality, the lace was a little meh, but the print was actually pretty neat, and the two girls, being young were able to pull off the look just fine. Did they look a little young and inexperienced? Sure. Did you ladies handle that well? I wish I could say that you did.

First of all, had there been an actual problem (and I don’t think there was) you should have asked the girls to accompany you to some place private (maybe the ladies’ room or just another area of the hallway) - and assure them that their place in line would be saved. This would have saved them from the public humiliation that followed. Confronting them about their outfits in front of the entire line (and since they were near the front, yes- everyone could see what you were doing) was *not* the way to approach this.

I could then hear every part of their outfit attacked. Their dresses. Their wigs. Headpieces. Socks. The fact that their shoulders were uncovered. Even though I could go through the line and find you examples of nearly everything they were wearing on someone else. (And I notice that no other girls in line were attacked like these young ladies were. Did you run out of time? Or did you just want to go after the two who looked the “weakest”?) They were forced to remove items from their head. You borrowed a shawl (that didn’t match the dress they were wearing at all, neither in color nor style) to cover one girl’s shoulders. 

But most of this was only after I heard you ask the girls “How much money do you have?”

…What.

I imagine your plan was to see if there was something in the dealer’s room or artists’ alley they could pick up to help out with their outfit but you had absolutely no right to ask such a thing. You *never* have a right to ask such a thing. My heart absolutely broke when the two sheepishly answered that they just had a few dollars, and one girl even held up an envelope that had clearly been sweetly marked by her mother as spending money. (No, really, it had cute writing and hearts and everything.)

I hope you felt ashamed of yourself at that point. 

I honestly didn’t know what to do. All I could manage was to encourage the two girls when you stepped away. I told them I didn’t know why they were being picked on and that I thought they were cute, and how bad I felt for them. And hey, in case you forgot, the tea was being hosted by a PUNK LOLITA DESIGNER. Yes, I know Baby was going to be in attendance, but it wasn’t their event and I don’t think they would have been offended by these two young ladies, but I *do* think either one of the designers would be hurt to think you had behaved as such in their name.

It didn’t end there, of course. Why should it? Your group’s representative returned to the mothership and then another huddle formed and you all whispered and pointed- POINTED at the two girls in question, as though enough attention had not been brought to them already. Really? Is discretion not something you ladies do? The icing on the cake was when someone in your group broke away and exclaimed to the line, “Alright. Who else needs to be fixed?”

Excuse me? Dogs get fixed (as do bitches…); don’t apply such crude language to people. At best, you might have asked “Does anyone else need a hand?” or “Would anyone like some help?” although I can’t call what you did to those two girls “help”. After your intervention they looked hangdog, miserable, and honestly? Mismatched. My heart went out to them when they presented their outfits to the room as part of the group discussion, already feeling that they weren’t up to par, and sadly commenting that they had been forced to remove parts of their outfits. The tea party was supposed to be an enjoyable coming together of lolita enthusiasts, not a shame fest. I hope they were able to enjoy it.

I hope that your actions don’t discourage them from getting more involved in the lolita fashion, and learning more about how to create their own coords. I hope they didn’t leave this convention humiliated. I hope they didn’t return home thinking that all lolitas are bitches.

As for me, I’m just going to chalk this up to you guys being ‘ita’. Perhaps you are inexperienced at how to handle yourselves at conventions. Maybe you need to practice dealing with others in public. Don’t worry, you aren’t a lost cause! All it takes is a little time and effort! With a little work, I think you can all be becoming as lolitas.

And if you need a hand from someone a little more experienced, well, hopefully someone will be willing and able to fix <s>help</s> you. 

SOURCE:

http://thelonebamf.livejournal.com/161164.html

———————

My two cents: 

I was only here for the tail end of this and for the tea party, but it didn’t take a genius regardless of any circumstance to notice how nervous and ashamed the girls felt when they stood up to introduce themselves. Their first tea party shouldn’t have made them feel inadequate; it should have made them feel inspired.

I’ve spoken to more than one girl that has told me that they have stayed away from lolita fashion because they aren’t “good enough” for it. They go on to tell me that they don’t want to do it wrong. I try to convince them otherwise- fashion is about self-expression and enjoying the skin/clothes you’re in. It breaks my heart to see young women separate themselves from lolita, because a special few are holding up a terrible stereotype.

My One Regret From Anime Matsuri- Lolita Substyles Panel

I stayed silent.

I shouldn’t have. I should have said something during the Lolita Substyles panel, but I stayed quiet due to the fact that I was a guest in someone else’s panel and to avoid confrontation. I regret this terribly. My only comfort is that there weren’t that many people there to begin with. 

Had I been in my right mind, here is what I would have said in response to two things that were said that I completely and whole-heartedly disagree with. These are word for word.

1. “Some people say that guro lolitas cut themselves, but that is just a rumor- and those rumors are NOT true.”

>.>; 

If a rumor is not true, why would you even bother mentioning it? If you are assuming that your audience is new to lolita or the lolita substyles, then you do realize that most of them have not heard this, right? So, you do realize that in saying this, you’re actually just adding to the rumor, right? You’re only spreading it further if these people have never heard it before.

Personally, I’ve been enjoying the lolita fashion for 8 years and guro is one of my favortie styles. I’ve partaken in wearing it about 3-4 times. (Not too many times since destroying dresses is hard. :p) I have never heard this rumor before. Never. If you know something to be untrue, then don’t mention it, please. There is no point.

2. “Wa and Qui lolita only look good if you’re asain. If you’re not asian, don’t even attempt it!” 

Yes, the words “don’t even attempt it” were said. I’ve personally never worn Wa or Qui, but I find it to be really beautiful, especially with the rocking horse shoes or sandals and traditional headdresses. Still, even if I hadn’t worn it before I felt incredibly insulted for every non-asian female or male who has worn it. 

Now, I could spend a long time going into the meaning of fashion and self-expression, but instead I’ll just say this, “Anyone can wear wa or qui lolita just as anyone of any race or nationality can wear any other fashion or style of dress from any other race or nationality.”

If it matters so much to you that the person /look/ asian or fit the nationality of the traditional dress- wear makeup. I can show you three different ways RIGHT NOW on how to give yourself asian eyes if it is that important to you. Makeup can work wonders. I’ve changed my whole skin tone to look African American before and I’ve seen plenty of Caucasian females look like a proper Geisha.

I appreciate that the Houston Lolitas took the time to host these panels. It was clear to see that they enjoyed what they were doing and had fun which I throughly enjoyed seeing, but I’d appreciate for the sake of any and all new lolitas that these two things be corrected in the future. Such things can most certianly hinder new lolitas or even expereinced lolitas to second-guess themselves and lose confidence in expressing themselves through these beautiful fashions.

Thank you. 

A Dialogue With My 86-year-old Grandmother About LGBT Rights & Marriage Equality

I saw this article:

http: //www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/29/gay-activists-grandparents-marriage-equality_n_1310537.html

earlier this afternoon and I got suddenly curious how my 86yo grandmother felt about marriage equality and LGBT rights. Since she's often hilarious, I decided to interview her on the phone and post it here. I put it on speakerphone, recorded it, then transcribed it. She's in Miami, and Cuban-born, so this is translated from Spanish. She's a pretty feisty lady. I want to be her when I grow up. Here's what she said:

Me: Grandma, what do you think about this couple in their 90s supporting their gay grandkids in the fight for marriage equality?

Grandma: I think it's very nice. You have to support your family, no matter who they are. You can't reject people for things like that.

Me: If you had gay or lesbian family, would you do the same?

Grandma: I don't know if I could make a video like those people. They speak English.

Me: What about in Spanish? Would you make videos supporting marriage equality in Spanish.

Grandma: Ay... don't get any ideas. I don't want to make a video.

Me: But is it okay if I post this on the Internet? On one of my websites

Grandma: Ignorant people might yell at you.

Me: Oh, that's okay, I don't mind.

Grandma: Yes, you can put what I said on the Internet.

Me: Okay. So do you support gay and lesbian people getting married?

Grandma: I think gay people should be able to get married. Times have changed. Even my ideas have changed. There used to be a lot of ignorance and rumors about gay people, mostly because they had to live in hiding, you know, you couldn't be yourself out in public like they can be sometimes now. So I think people just made things up. But think gay people should be allowed to live their lives like everyone else.

Me: Would you go to a gay wedding?

Grandma: Yes, I would. It would probably be more lively than a regular one. I hate weddings. They're so boring.

Me: They really are. What do you think about people who protest gay marriage?

Grandma: Oh. Idiots.

Me: They're wrong?

Grandma: Idiots. Dumb people with nothing better to do. Out of all the things to protest. They should be out trying to do some good in the world instead.

Me: Do you think you would have felt the same way when you were my age?

Grandma: (Pauses) I don't think I gave it any thought. People didn't talk about these things back then. There was a lot of ignorance. Everybody knew gay people, of course, but people didn't talk about it in normal conversation, much less in public like on the news now. I think that's good. Talking is always good. When people know things, they can make up their own minds.I would like to think that maybe with a little information and thinking about it, I would feel the same way.

Me: Do you think gay people should be able to adopt kids?

Grandma: Of course.

Me: As a Christian, what do you think the Bible says about gay people?

Grandma: The Bible is very clear that Jesus doesn't care about race or gender or where you came from or anything. He loves everyone.

Me: What about the parts of the Bible that says gay people should be stoned to death?

Grandma: We don't stone people to death anymore...

Me: So you don't think that applies?

Grandma: I think God gave us some common sense to be able to figure out what parts were meant for forever, like "don't kill" and "don't steal" and "be good to people," and what parts were just a record of the society people lived in back then. We don't hide women in the dark during their periods anymore, either. Things like that.

Me: What about gays in the military? Do you think that should be allowed?

Grandma: You know, when I heard President Obama had helped made that legal, I was surprised it already wasn't. If you're willing to pick up a gun and go fight in some war somewhere for my freedom, I'm not willing to do that, so if you are, I don't care if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or fifteen cats.

Me: Yeah, I think most people supported that one.

Grandma: It's like I told you. God gave us common sense for a reason.

Me: I know you've had a few close gay male friends. Have you ever had a lesbian friend?

Grandma: I did in Cuba. She was my neighbor and she did everyone's hair on the block. You couldn't really tell she was a lesbian, but she told me, after many years of knowing her.

Me: What do you mean by "you couldn't tell she was a lesbian?"

Grandma: Well, she was very glamorous. She looked like a movie star all the time - that's why she did everyone's hair. Some lesbians, you can tell.

Me: In English, they call the ability to tell if someone's gay "gaydar." Like "radar" but for "gay."

Grandma: Oh! I think I have that.

Me: You think you have good gaydar?

Grandma: Well, I was an artist, so I was around a lot of gay men. And I can usually tell, but Paula fooled me.

Me: The slang term for lesbians who are very conventionally feminine in English is "lipstick lesbian."

Grandma: She did wear lipstick!

Me: Do you think a lot of older people think like you do?

Grandma: I think so. A lot of older people keep up with the news better than you think. And you get to be my age and you realize a lot of past mistakes in your thinking. You realize that a lot of things you think mattered, really don't. And the people who don't think like that, it's mostly because they don't know any better. But even at my age, people can be taught.

Me: Thank you, Pupa.

Grandma: You should show me your website when you put this up. I hope a lot of people read it.